


If Adam Driver Were Your Boyfriend

by Rocketbride



Category: Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, The Toast (website)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, If X were your Y, The Toast, minuscule Girls reference, thetoast.net
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22637266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rocketbride/pseuds/Rocketbride
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Written in February of 2016, after an intense 2 months of obsessing after seeing "The Force Awakens," watching everything I could find in his body of work and trying to legitimize all of this as "research" by writing a piece in the style of The Toast's "If x were your y" series. I even submitted it, but they politely let me know that this was one of their most popular series and they didn't want to flood the market.
Relationships: Adam Driver/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 34





	If Adam Driver Were Your Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Toast, series: If x were your y](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/557854) by various. 



If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, he would teach you how to run. You would know that he was faster than you, but whenever you ran together he would keep pace and you would talk about music and astronomy and discuss your theory that Kurt Cobain would still be alive if someone had taught him about running endorphins.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, he would practice Rachmaninov on your antique upright piano while you lay on the hardwood floor and read a novel. The music would sink into you like warm tea and soften all of your prickly edges until you leaned the book on your chest and watched his shoulders knot and relax. When he was done, he would lie down beside you and the two of you would hold hands, silently. 

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend whenever you went dancing he would mostly sit on the sides and watch you. Every time you looked over, he would be smiling at you. Sometimes he would come out and do a bunch of crazy moves that you would start imitating because it would be so much more fun that what you were doing. His finishing move would always involve hoisting you on his shoulder and spinning you around until you were hopelessly dizzy and as soon as he set you down you would make your wobbly way to the nearest chair.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend you wouldn’t be allowed to move furniture because he would be sad that he didn’t get to lift something. You would make up reasons to change the couch arrangement.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, you would be in charge of his Hallowe’en costume. You would collect high concept/low effort ideas all year. He would get really excited the year you dressed him as Joey Ramone.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend you would suddenly realize that you were talking to yourself on a walk because he had just scrambled up a steep slope. He would cheer you on as you climbed up behind him, and when you were out of breath he would haul you to the top.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, he would stop what he was doing the first time you knit around him. He would insist that you teach him how to knit, and he would crank out scarves and hats and mittens for one whole frigid New York winter. He would give them all away to friends and new babies. When you went to yarn shops, he would pick out the softest fibres and most glorious colours and buy them for you to have “just in case.” He would build you cedar boxes to keep your sweaters, and he would always remember to wear the grey touque you made so that ears wouldn’t freeze. When Spring would come, he would put down his needles in the middle of a project and never pick them up again. 

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, you would have to practice all the sex scenes before he re-enacted them with Lena Dunham the next day. You would insist that this was your contribution to the arts. 

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, it would be your job to make small talk with famous directors when they called the house to ask him to appear in their movies. You would have to think of something interesting to say to Martin Scorsese while Adam worked up the nerve to come to the phone. After a half minute of anxious flailing he would take the phone and sound like a total pro. When the phone call was over he would collapse at your feet and clutch your ankles.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend he would end up wrestling with your brother at some point during every holiday because they would both get bored at the same time. You would have to sit between them at dinner so they wouldn’t start before dessert. At weddings he wouldn’t be able to say no to the flower girl so he wouldn’t dance with you until the very last song, when she fell asleep on a chair. You would lean into his chest and listen to his heart slowly returning to normal.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend he would skip church most Sundays, but on Easter he would know all the words to all the hymns and sing without a shred of self-consciousness.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, he would make you rings out of scraps. 

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend you would be constantly stocking up on cereal, eggs and milk. Whenever you cooked a lasagna, you wouldn’t have time to get bored of leftovers before they were gone. He would like everything you cooked, even that experimental beet smoothie that turned brown.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend the two of you would slip out of his premiers after the lights went down so he didn’t have to watch himself on the big screen. You would go to a music store and browse through the old records that remind you of your parents’ record collection. He would insist on buying you the cheesy LP that made you involuntarily gasp with recognition, so that you would have to carry “Rumours” around for the rest of the night. You would run back when someone’s assistant called to tell you the movie was ending, and sometimes you wouldn’t make it so you would stand at the doors together and say goodbye to the exiting audience like a flight attendant. If his part was small or if you couldn’t leave without causing a commotion, he would hide his head against your chest whenever he was on screen, like a kid during a scary movie. You would whisper to him when the scene changed and then you would grin at each other when his head came up again. You would tease him about this all the time and make up outrageous mistakes that they had "accidentally on purpose" left into the movie, and when he challenged your honesty, you would remind him that he would never know unless he watched it himself.

If Adam Driver were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t get upset when your period was late. Instead, he would drop to his knees and kiss your belly at least once a day, even though there was never really anything in there. Every time your period would come after all, and you would fold up your visions of perfect freckled babies for another month and put them somewhere safe.


End file.
